+ Swamp Tour \\ 08.26.09
Tonight’s my last night in Florida. Here’s a recap of the swamp tour I went on recently. Most people in Florida would want to see Disney World, South Beach, or any other major tourist attraction. I however, don’t really find much comedy in those type of experiences. For me, the best material comes from putting myself in situations I normally wouldn’t be in. While walking around Melbourne, Florida I met a local at a coffee shop who told me I had to take a air boat tour. I told him ‘Sign me up’. Considering I’ve jet skid and kayaked before I figured I might as well ride an air boat. The catch? It was in a swamp. With alligators. Most people don’t know this about me, but I am DEATHLY afraid of animals—I was bit by a dog as a little kid and have been terrified since. Since I already paid for my reservation I couldn’t turn back. Also, I’m at a point in my life where $32.50 outweighs my uncontrollable fear of pets.
To get to the swamp you have to drive miles away from civilization. As soon as I got to the swamp I realized my tour would involve only two people—me and the tour guide. I should have realized not a whole lot of folks line up for swamp tours on a Tuesday afternoon in Melbourne, Florida. Fun fact about my tour guide, he had a handlebar mustache. To me handlebar mustaches imply one of two things: You’re either trying to be ironic, or you have (or will) kill someone. My tour guide was the later. Here are some fun lessons I learned on my tour:
1. The term ‘Don’t let the bed bugs bite’ came from our nation’s earliest settlers.During the early 1800s pilgrims would take the moss that grew around the trees in swamps, dry it, and then stuff it into their beds. (To make a mattress of sorts) What they didn’t realize is that these plants were filled with bugs and ticks which would crawl through the sheets and bite them. Not very fun, but it bears the question—why didn’t they find other dry items (say leaves, or grass) to stuff their beds? Apparently, they were making crappy beds long enough to come up with clever cliches about their bad decisions.
2. If anyone ever begins a sentence with, “I don’t mean to be offensive but…“, chances are they will be offensive.
3. Never talk about war or our nation’s previous foreign policy with someone who has come back from Iraq. Also, don’t mention your religious affiliation with said person if you’re Muslim.
4. During a swamp tour if your tour guide says “A lot of people have been murdered here”, grab mase (non-rapper version preferably). If you don’t have mase, take in your final thoughts before death.
5. Holding a baby alligator is fun. Being told how they skin it to make shoes and luggage is not.
+ My workout goal \\ 08.26.09
Pic taken in ‘Shaq 24’ in Miami. Thanks Diesel.
+ Punchline Magazine Interview \\ 08.24.09
Got an interview published in Punchline Mag about the college tour I’m on right now. Pretty awesome considering I’ve been reading their magazine since ‘06. You can check out the interview here, and of course follow them on Twitter.
The interview was great, but I think the best part about it was the first comment from ‘Seema’ which says ‘Impressive’. For those of you who don’t know, Seema is my mother. Thanks Mom, I’m glad I impressed you.
+ Ghost Rider \\ 08.24.09
I think college shows are great. Usually you get offstage and the students are really supportive and appreciative of you coming to their school. Amongst the drunk chatter, high fives, and “Comedian…you were f*ckin awesome!“ there’s always a couple nut cases you meet at each school. So I had a show at Florida Tech. A little background on the school; it’s mainly an aeronautical and engineering university—we’re talking the future pilots and astronauts of America—so the ‘ratio’ of men to women is off. From what I was told it was roughly 8 to 1. Was there sexual tension in the air? Absolutely. Did I find it hilarious? You bet.
After the show one of the students (who happened to be my ride to the airport) came up to me and we had the following conversation:
William: Hey, thanks for coming to our school.
Me: Thanks man, I appreciate it. Did you have a good time?
William: Sort of.
Me: Well at least your honest. I take it you didn’t like the material?
William: I re-wrote some of your jokes. Also, you could try being dirtier (He hands me an index card):
“(Get Onstage)
Anybody here with a friend tonight? Everybody needs good friends. My best friend is an awesome dude. I’ve known him practically my whole life, but I only started being really good friends with him until I was about 12.
He really knows how to cheer me up. Friends like that are awesome. His name is my penis. Yeah. He holds my hand when I masturbate. How many friends do you know who do that? He winks at me when I ejaculate, several times in fact. And at my girlfriend when she comes over. Skeet skeet!
Yeah, the reason why he’s my best friend is because he sticks with me everywhere, through the thick and think, in my case through very thick.
William (His name)“
Thank you William for revitalizing my act. With dick jokes.
Side note: I love how he had to establish “Go onstage”. As if my entire act—which of course he had just seen minutes ago—was comprised of me making witty banter behind a curtain. I have a picture of the index card he gave me for proof. I will hold onto this treasure forever:
+ Fall Tour Dates Announced! \\ 08.11.09
Next week I leave for the NBC College Tour. If you’re saying “Hasan I go to a really small school you’ve probably never heard of”, chances are I’m performing at your school:
Aug 17, UNC Pembroke
Aug 18, Florida Institute of Technology, Melbourne, FL
Aug 22, Embry Riddle, Daytona Beach, FL
Aug 26, Florida International University, University Park, FL
Aug 27, Keene State, Keene, NH
Aug 28, Longwood University, Farmville, VA
Aug 29, University of Delaware, Newark, DE
Aug 30, Winthrop University, Rock Hill, SC
Aug 31, USC / Columbia
Sept 1, Albright College, Reading, PA
Sept 2, Kutztown University, Kutztown, PA
Sept 3, Arcadia University, Glenside, PA
Sept 4, St. Joseph’s University, Philadelphia, PA
Sept 5, Mount Union University, Alliance, OH
Sept 7, University of Wisconsin / Oshkosh
Sept 8, Ohio Northern University, Ada, OH
Sept 9, Wittenberg University, Wittenberg, OH
Sept 10, Davenport University, Grand Rapids, MI
Sept 11, Elmhurst College, Elmhurst, IL
Sept 17, Southern New Hampshire, Manchester, NH
Sept 18, Denison University, Granville, OH
Sept 19, Gustavus Adolphus, St. Peter, MN
Sept 23, Austin Peay, Clarksville, TN
Sept 24, Albion College, Albion, MI
Sept 25, Hope College, Holland, MI
Sept 26, Michigan State University, East Lansing, MI
Sept 29, Brookdale Community College, Brookdale, NJ
Sept 30, Wesley College, Dover, DE
Oct 2, Bucknell University, Lewisburg, PA
Oct 3, Westminster College, New Wilmington, PA
Oct 6, Ursinus College, Ursinus, PA
Oct 7, Shippensburg University, Shippensburg, PA
Oct 9, Bates College, Lewiston, ME
Oct 15, University of Illinois, Urbana, IL
Oct 16, Oakland University, Rochester, MI
Oct 17, Alvernia University, Reading, PA
Oct 21, Westminster College, Salt Lake City, UT