+ ‘Yahoo! OMG The 411’ Episode 7 \\ 11.06.09
+ Can I get an Encore? \\ 11.06.09
There are only two people in this world I’ve wanted to meet before death that would leave me star struck—Michael Jordan and Jay-Z. Before you judge me for not picking someone like Nelson Mandella, or Barack Obama, I’ll say this much; my biggest inspirations as a child were the things I consumed the most when I was young and impressionable—cartoons, basketball and hip hop. I didn’t spend time reading Mandella’s memoirs; I watched Animaniacs and listened to Biggie.
Initially as a kid, I actually hated Michael Jordan. Not because he wasn’t the greatest—it’s just that during the 90’s, regardless of if you were into sports or not, everyone and their mom loved Michael. As I got older and learned more about basketball, I admired what he did because he was really that good. As soaring expectation grew around him and the Bulls, he only rose to the occasion time and time again. His career unfolded like a great movie; getting even better as the years went on (we’ll forget about that stint with Washington, Mike.) As for Jay, ‘Volume 2: Hard Knock Life’ was one of the first albums I ever bought as a kid. I can recite every Jay-Z lyric from his discography. Even the R. Kelly collabos? Yes. Even the R. Kelly collabos. I can’t really explain why I bought his album. I was 13, I loved the Annie beat on ‘Hard Knock Life’, and after listening to the hooks on the album I was hooked. Been a Jay-Hova witness ever since. Who knows what would have happened had I picked up the Sisqo album? Actually, I don’t wanna know.
I met Michael Jordan two years ago. The results? Far from flattering. I saw Michael leaving his 44th birthday party in Vegas. As soon as I saw him I knew the great one had fallen; slightly overweight, rocking an ill fitting suit, and sporting his new white girlfriend. Yes, the ‘white girl’ part of that statement was necessary. (How could you forget about Juanita Michael?!?) As soon as he walked by me on the way to his car, I yelled ‘Happy Birthday Michael!‘ at the top of my lungs. Apparently when I’m starstruck I have no sense of personal space or audible volume. For two seconds Michael looked at me, shook his head, then got in his Bentley to have sex with his new girlfriend. A few months later Juanita Jordan would file the largest divorce settlements in history; a reported 168 million dollars. Mike never learned his lesson, and continues to wear hideous suits to this day.
On October 2nd, 2009 history repeated itself and I met Jay-Z. The results? Far from flattering.
Here’s the back story:
After doing a show at Shippensburg University in Pennsylvania I had a day to kill. Since I have no sense of time, geography, or direction I figured ‘Hey I should go to New York for the day.‘ A 3 hour drive later I’m in the city walking around, catching some shows…before you know it, it’s 2:30 in the morning. I hit my usual late night spot—chicken and rice on 53rd and 6th. Coincidentally enough I bump into a friend from the bay area in line and we start making the usual small talk: ‘How ya been?‘ ‘What are you up to?‘ ‘Why are you here so late?‘ He answers. ‘Blah, blah, blah, blah—-You know who I just saw? I was walking & Jay-Z was driving up and down Broadway bumping ‘The Blueprint 3’ in his jeep. Crazy right? Blah, blah, blah…‘
I stop listening. Let me get this straight. You just saw Jay-Z. Multiple times. Driving around. Bumping his own album. I don’t believe it. My non-existent panties drop.
I ask him to hop in the car and we head over to Broadway. As we’re driving over my buddies are deterring my efforts: ‘Dude he’s probably gone’ ‘Why are you obsessed, he’s just a rapper’ ‘Beyonce is kinda fat’. I don’t care. Hov is within a one mile radius of me and I gotta see him. As mentioned earlier I have no sense of direction so instead of heading towards Broadway I somehow end up driving towards Time Square—I hate Time Square. Its cliche and annoying. As I’m explaining this to my friend, I look over to my right and see Alicia Keys playing her piano in the middle of Time Square. I stop the car in the middle of the intersection. The first thought that comes to mind is ‘Holy shit! She’s probably performing for a late night show. I gotta tweet this’. I pop my head out the window and attempt to take a picture. As I’m doing this a police officer is banging on my window for ‘five minutes’ (as he likes to say) telling me to ‘move it’—which is mathematically impossible seeing as how I was barely able to pull off this picture:
We park the car and and hustle back over to Times Square. Ms. Keys is still rockin’ it on piano, and unbeknownst to me I hear the rabid screams of females as Jiggaman’s jeep pulls up to the shoot. Hov steps out the car, everyone throws their diamonds up. As soon as he takes the stage the director drops the beat while Jay and Alicia jam out on the hook together.
Obviously the set is barricaded off with wooden traffic dividers, but that’s not gonna stop me. I somehow finagle my way around the barricades and end up on set. Everyone on set is wearing Yankee hats and I’m stumbling around set like a 13-year-old teeny bopper. I meander my way to the directors chair and as I’m walking, the moment happens. Jay-Z plops down in a chair inches away from me. I’m starstruck—what do you say to a guy who’s every song you can recite verbatim? So I did the only thing I could do: I started rapping at him. As he turns and faces me I yell out ‘If Jesus payin’ Lebron I’m payin’ Dwayne Wade/3 dice cee-lo/3 card marly/Labor Day parade rest in peace Bob Marley’...he turns, looks at me, and I swear to God this actually happened…Says nothing, and sits in his chair.
Anticlimactic, right? Wrong. As soon as security escorts me out of the barracades (Yes I was escorted off set) I see DJ Khaled smoking a cigar. DJ Khaled? The DJ Khaled that yells over every mixtape track and does Mcdonalds commercials? Yes. That DJ Khaled. To continue my train of awkwardness I started yelling at Dj khaled—‘Deeeeee Jaaaay Khaled!!!!‘ He takes the cigar out of his mouth—‘We da best! Who?!? We!!!!!‘ Khaled looks pissed. Keep in mind, DJ Khaled’s job is to yell at people. Not get yelled at. He becomes the second person who looks at me like I’m crazy. After chopping it up with him for a minute about his flurry of mixtapes he realizes that I’m actually a fan of his work (yelling incessantly over tracks) so we took this picture together:
His new mixtape ‘We Da Best Volume 3’ (Not kidding) is coming out soon.
Last night Jay-Z’s ‘Empire State of Mind’ video debuted. It’s touching to know I was somehow involved in this video in a creepy, stalkerish sorta way: